It is weird how 90% of the time my thoughts are so haphazard and haywire that I never know where or how to start. Then there is an issue of starting with something and straying away from it. It can be very exhausting for the reader, I know. What I want to say today is one such thing which will have me wavering off many times, but I shall make an honest attempt to convey it precisely. Conscience. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you read this word? Do comment and share it. My first reaction is that having a conscience is very draining and demanding. It makes it hard for you to sleep at night, you try to overanalyze things just to make sure there is no other way you could have handled it and to get that assurance that you did the right thing, you have a sinking feeling in your stomach for the most trivial mistake done. Even when you do something right but it hurts someone, you feel bad about it. Is it just me or is that how it works? If I did the right thing, why do I end up feeling like shit sometimes? Don’t tell me right or wrong is subjective. No amount of subjectivity can make a wrong right. So what is it? And how does this work when people we love are involved? When they refuse to see sense and the only option left is to be stringent. God forbid if unknowingly or in a fit or frustration or anger my words hurt anyone, I know I am in for a lot of brooding sleepless nights. Now imagine someone you absolutely love, imagine them blaming you for something very bad and that which you have never done yet have been misunderstood for. Too bad right? It is a nightmare because first we need to make our peace with what has happened and it doesn’t end there because we have to make the other person understand and see the right. Now some would say why bother if we know we are right, because you’d want the other person to clear it out had the situation been reversed and more importantly because you love them. This is the ideal way to deal with it but how many of us do it? We become that stubborn kid who’d rather say ‘I don’t want to do it’ than admitting ‘It is too difficult for me to do’ for the lack of better metaphor. So if it is so problematic, why to have such an active conscience? Life would be a lot easier if we cut ourself a little slack, no? Now in my head I know why it is important, I have been brought up and conditioned that way. But it is one of those times where it is becoming extremely difficult to remember what good comes out of it. So for any of you going through the same, do it because you deserve to feel the way a good and pure hearted person does. And boy, what a feeling that is!
Okay. This is the word I have been chanting lately. It is what is getting me through things. Not sure how far will I get with this but for now I think I am okay. For now, okay is good.
All the hardwork I did for someone else goes into gutter because they think I was obliged. Okay, too naive of me but what will they do the next time around huh? I am rebuked for not hating enough on things around me (CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?). Okay, I’d rather have love in my heart than hatred. ‘All songs you like are so crass!‘ Okay, I think I will choose crass over your ‘expensive’ music taste which is so brain harassing and deranged that my ears might quit on me and go to Himalayas. You see, you aren’t the only one who can judge. I am told that I am never calm and composed (Is that even bad?). Okay, so I am not besotted with the magical powers of inner peace but if that is how you would like to cover your unresponsiveness up, whatever makes you happy. The guy I like doesn’t like me back. Okay. Oh who am I kidding? That’s really not okay. I am not really best at anything. Okay, no one will ask me to do anything which sounds best to me. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t stick to a disciplined routine. Okay, isn’t variety the spice of life?! No? Oh well! Nothing seems to be working out. Okay, everything will get fat and we can all wallow in obesity together. I crack the poorest of jokes. Okay, maybe I can offer to crack open brains with my jokes before surgeries. No? Okay. This is such a okay post. Okay, tell me how to make it better?
Desirous, treacherous, vicious heart. Why did you hope or this would never start?
Caged with tall fences around, still you peeped into that beautiful soul. This is preposterous, I want to cry foul.
Now, this heathen heart wants to abandon me for him? Oh but he won’t accept you, for you, my heart, are too dim.
Unbidden and clueless, if this is how you had to fall. Why did I even guard you at all?
You cry and bleed, I feel the pain. Oh yes! How lovely it is to be this insane.
Squirm all you want my heart, in this unpleasant gloom, then you have to get back in the cage before the impending doom.
Don’t flutter or hope without cause, never again on my sleeve you will pause.
Love, you must, but please do not hope. Consequences of that are ill fated, so nope.
Now we both are in complete and utter despair, oh was it worth it, all that fanfare?
Hello to my lovely progressive thinkers, this one is especially for you. For those who have a conservative thought process, you are most welcome to read on and be enlightened that perhaps yours is the most popular and hence correct viewpoint. I am loud, sometimes crass, misfit and very unladylike. Okay punish me for being loud but what on earth is misfit and unladylike? I sit with my legs open because it is comfortable and not because I am inviting a dick into my vagina. Is that clear enough? I work at office till 2am, sometimes even 6am and then take a cab home. I reach office at 11am and work my ass off till late because I like my work and it is important to me. Please try not to degrade it. I go on solo trips because I like to travel and there is no hidden agenda in that. I can say yes to travel with just about anyone if they are trustworthy, doesn’t mean I am an easy catch. I am a girl, not a ball. There is no such thing as an easy catch. Please don’t confuse my interest in traveling as my interest in those I say yes to travel with. Yes, I might guffaw too loud at a lewd joke, why is that a problem? It breaks my heart every time I or any other girl is subjected to this torture. Soon enough, they will attack to break our spirit too. Please, just stop. My parents are very supportive and kind people who have only ever encouraged me with full trust, they do not deserve to hear such trash. They are scared to let me do things alone, they have to calculate my safety at every step and yet they allow me. Least of all, respect that. You have no clue what I have been through, so you should not have any opinion on me. And those of you who know me and still have this opinion, please stop flaunting your support for girl empowerment. You are nothing but a hypocrite masquerading as a preacher of a cause you don’t actually support! Like a wise guy once said, “Excuse me! Ye lijiye aapki soch. Mujhe giri hui mili thi.”
There is a thought. Sad, bad, mad thought. A thought I don’t want to think, and of course that is what makes it absolutely irrestible to come unbidding to me at strangest of times and makes me feel foulest of feelings! Oh, there is a group of them. Now I tried to Google what a group of thoughts is called, it is just thoughts I suppose. Anyway, that is not what I wanted to talk about. Ya so, why does that happen? This thinking of what we don’t want to think? Why is urge for wrong so strong? The worst part is that I can’t share these thoughts. Some of them, the recurring one especially, is so stupid and sad a thought that I don’t want it to even materialize and take a form, even as a sentence shared. It is a sad thought. It has the power to let a tear escape from my eye if I dwell on it for even 5 minutes. So I don’t think of it, I deny giving it any importance. Absolutely deny giving anyone of them the time of day. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a happy person with happy thoughts. But we all have Achilles heel right? Now I don’t know if this thought is something that could ruin me but it does seem like that at the moment. It might be my Achilles heel. But it isn’t. Yep. My antidote is denial. I deny having thought it, I deny it exists! I have been doing just that, for long now. It works, most of the times. I deal with it. My way might be wrong or right, who cares? There’s always someone who is going to find a flaw in a thing you did and someone else who loved that same thing to bits. So you can’t be right to everyone. And you know what I have realized? That I am strong. I mean if I can deal with this shit with such maturity then I am strong right? Sure, there are those other times, when these thoughts come, showing their ugly head and drain away everything nice. I cry, I give in, I fight, I ignore. And most importantly, I survive. While on other days I live, on such bad days I survive. I survive so I can live on the other days. Guess that is what growing up means yeah? Oh well..
I just read something so mind blowing that I can’t contain it. It is overwhelming. You know the feeling so happy that you feel your heart is dancing. That nothing or no one can blotch this feeling. That’s how I felt after reading it. I wish I could share it. But it won’t be right, it won’t mean the same. All I can say is read ‘Atlas Shrugged’. I am halfway through it. You may or may not feel this way, I can’t know for sure. Besides, it’s not just about what I read anyway. It is about how sudden and unexpected it was. I hope everyone feels this way. Maybe not by reading something, but everyone deserves to feel this way. To find this feeling, reach it and enjoy it to the fullest. To feel really and truly happy. Even if for sometime, it is unparallel. I think a part of this feeling comes from the fact that I am the only person behind my happiness (if you wish to get technical then me and Ayn Rand). But really, I made myself happy. No one else is the contributor. This thing I read, it is my discovery. My very own, do you understand it? I chose this book. I read it, it just said something so beautiful that I am in awe. Ever felt like that? Ebullient. Oh, it is just WOW! I have heard so much about self help, about being positive and stuff like that. It has never made any sense to me, it still doesn’t make any sense to me to be honest. Maybe because I don’t see the point of it. So I cannot really preach anything about it and I am not going to. What I can do is tell everyone how amazing it feels. What is ‘it’? Oh how I wish there was a word for it. That moment of rush and exuberance is undefined. Or maybe I am just unaware of what it is called. My eyes sprang open too wide, I had a grin so huge it could have tore my face in two, my heart leapt with joy. Who knew a simple sentence could make me feel this way? Oh! You may as well know about it, but I did not know that it could. That’s partly why it made me so happy. Get it? It was a moment so powerful that I have locked it in my heart and mind alike, to be revisited in my dark hours, when I am too down. I will revisit this sacred memory and maybe remind myself of the happiness I deserve and maybe just maybe feel this feeling again. THANK YOU AYN RAND. MAY GOD BLESS YOUR SOUL.
I know it might seem like all of this is plain and utter gibberish. That’s okay. But as I said I hope everyone feels this way, EVERYONE! And then you will understand, then you will know what I mean and this won’t just be gibberish. It would be your yes ‘THAT’ post. Have you already felt this way? Would you like to share? I would love to know all about it.
Are you proud of me? Proud of how I have turned out to be? Don’t say yes just because you love me. You’d love me anyway, because you are good. But please be honest, am I good? Am I good enough? I don’t usually need validation. Not like this, anyway. But I have been wondering, how is it all turning out? Am I doing it right? I need to make amends if i am not. Or is it too late? Am I a good person? I hope I haven’t become that stupid girl who is too forward? Or that lame girl who is orthodoxically anti social? Maybe that heartless girl who doesn’t feel a thing about love? I have been called each at some point. Am I independent enough? I still haven’t learned to help mom, I am trying. Am I right in staying back late at work? Am I correct when I work too hard even if I am mocked about it? I might not be reaping the benefits equivalent to my hard work, is that alright? Is it okay to be scared of things but still do them not knowing conclusions? Does crying to sleep on bad days make me weak? Does having very few friends mean I am unlikable? What do I do about my trust issues? Oh, I think there are no genuine guys around, that can’t be true right? What am I doing incorrect to be attracting all wrong ones? Is there really a frog who’ll show up? How unrealistic am I to be dreaming about going to NewYork alone? Do you think I can? I have a bad feeling about someone irrelevant, why doesn’t it go away? About that stupid thing, why isn’t Karma working fast? Why don’t I remember my dreams? Why are the parts that I do so weird? No body talks about philosophy these days, its all I think about. What do you have to say about it? I have an insatiable urge to be exploring everything new, is that wrong for a girl? They look at me like it is. I still don’t talk about things that hurt me, when will I be forgiving enough to do that? ‘You are too loud and crass’, what do I tell them back? I am not their go to person these days, is it okay if I still hope and wait?
Also, I have decided not to change yet, hope that’s okay?!
Do you use your phone a lot? I am going to assume all of you said yes. Well, I do! A lot? Maybe. That’s subjective. I don’t use it or feel like using it when I am working. But otherwise, I do. The point here isn’t usage of phone but if it indicates something. What if I use my phone a lot? Does that make me liable to put up with innuendos coming my way? Is that a sufficient indicator for anyone to assume that it is one special person I am texting? We all love assuming, it’s easy and quick. Why ask or analyze, when we can assume!! People assume I am seeing someone, I assumed at the start of this post that you all use phone a lot, KRK assumed that he moving his body awkwardly on beat pe booty was dancing. It’s just too easy to resist. Though even that is not the point. I stray away from the point a lot, sorry! So about this assumption, I have been told I don’t defend when accused about this one. So here it is, my defense. Loud, clear and public enough for all to read. No, I am not texting one particular guy. No, I am not seeing someone. I am not the type of person anyone can easily be with, I am a mess. I thought we had that already established. I have too many flaws. We all do, but maybe mine are slightly more and that makes me an invalid choice. Am I self depreciating? Not at all. I am working on being what I want, if someone likes that he will let me know. Has that happened yet? No. Still too flawed for anyone to genuinely care. Here I am struggling to be a good daughter, forget embracing other commitments. Being single is my choice. Is that choice easy? Hell no. There are so many stupid things I want to do and can’t because sometimes it’s just not possible to do it alone. That’s when I question my choice the most. People cry to sleep for their unrequited love, I do too. For every wish I couldn’t fulfill because there is absence of a certain person in my life. I know about soulmates, I know it can happen. I have read/seen enough fiction to know that. Fact is, it hasn’t. So when the sun comes up, I wake up and realize I was being stupid thinking all that shit and make the choice to be single, again. I question that choice so many times. But I stick to it, because the alternative is still scary and far fetched for me. As to why didn’t I defend it when accused or teased? I thought my choice was clear for all. A simple texting bout with someone isn’t going to change my decision. I put up a strong front, doesn’t mean I am not vulnerable or struggling. So no, I did not defend because it is embarrassing sometimes to tell that you aren’t texting your boyfriend but just discussing a fiction with a friend and most importantly because that just made me question my choice more. It made me make the choice to be single all over again, and I still chose it.
We love talking about missed opportunities, at least I do! All the times that things went wrong and bad. I am so eager to count the stuff I miss out on that the things I get to do remain not spoken about. So I don’t want to talk about the lemons we get but the tequilas that we take them with! Can I first just say the obvious and get done with it? This year is going too damn fast!! If only I knew how to put in a comma somewhere! Where would I put the comma though? Where would you put the comma in your life if you could? Food for thought alert!!!! Uh where was I? Oh yeah too many tequilas in this super speedy year! I thought I’d only ever keep rambling about how I want to try everything, travel everywhere and have experiences and stories to tell and never actually do it but this year I have actually got the chance to do it. I got the opportunities and I grabbed at them with both my hands. There are so many things from my ever increasing bucket list that I got to tick off. The feeling to actually do something you have always wished with all your heart can’t be explained. It truly is just you grinning and your heart feeling that epic happiness. It made up for all the times I cried, times when I was wronged, rejected and all the times I was written off as a girl who merely blabbered. And it’s not just me, people all around me are doing things that seemed far fetched when they started. My best friend is going to get married to the guy her family was against with their blessings. Now that is one hell of a yummy tequila right?! The other friend who thought there is never anything good that could happen to her is running her firm fabulously and having a beautiful experience while at it (I hope she knows what I mean)! We all have our own versions of lemons, I didn’t even know there are so many types of lemons to start with. Or maybe there aren’t, they all taste the same. They taste of grief. It’s great when a friend who was wasting her degree as she wasn’t allowed to work is now literally backbone of a big shot firm and has a guy who loves her to depth. Now there is one more person who is probably at the lemon stage now and she never complains. I hope she reads this and knows that the tequila she wants for the coming year will surely happen and I sincerely hope I have it with you! Did we all do something out of the ordinary? No, we are simply trying to do what we want. And at the end, it is as simple as that.
In a perfect world, I would not be home right now, sick and sad, but on my way to where I think I belong!
I would be clicking airport selfies, radiating excitement, watching new faces, grinning like a fool.
I would have been nervous yet bouncy for the trip of my dreams, even the thought makes me drool.
I would have captured each moment, imprinted it in my head and heart, gathered stories for when I meet my friends.
I should’ve been so happy, it wouldn’t seem true, brimming with joy that never ends!
Instead I am home, thinking of all the stuff that went haywire, wondering if and where I went wrong?
Why am I here and not there? I have to be strong!
When will this make sense? Would it ever make sense?
I don’t think so.
Believe me, I am not disheartened.
I still dream, still wish and hope and expect to go.
Yet, this hurts, hurts too much! It pains to the extent that makes me doubt what I deserve.
It’s not new, this hit, just harder than before. And it changes me a little, everytime.
For good or bad? I do not know! I have to be fine!
In the perfect world, I would be out and mad, not home, alone and definitely not sad!
But the world is not perfect and that was a dream, the sun has come up and the reality has set in.
This is the truth and I have met it so many times yet my heart dreams, I still dream, every single time!