Cry of a hurting heart!

In a perfect world, I would not be home right now, sick and sad, but on my way to where I think I belong!
I would be clicking airport selfies, radiating excitement, watching new faces, grinning like a fool.
I would have been nervous yet bouncy for the trip of my dreams, even the thought makes me drool.
I would have captured each moment, imprinted it in my head and heart, gathered stories for when I meet my friends.
I should’ve been so happy, it wouldn’t seem true, brimming with joy that never ends!
Instead I am home, thinking of all the stuff that went haywire, wondering if and where I went wrong?
Why am I here and not there? I have to be strong!
When will this make sense? Would it ever make sense?
I don’t think so.
Believe me, I am not disheartened.
I still dream, still wish and hope and expect to go.
Yet, this hurts,  hurts too much! It pains to the extent that makes me doubt what I deserve.
It’s not new, this hit, just harder than before. And it changes me a little, everytime.
For good or bad? I do not know! I have to be fine!
In the perfect world, I would be out and mad, not home, alone and definitely not sad!
But the world is not perfect and that was a dream, the sun has come up and the reality has set in.
This is the truth and I have met it so many times yet my heart dreams, I still dream, every single time!