There is a thought. Sad, bad, mad thought. A thought I don’t want to think, and of course that is what makes it absolutely irrestible to come unbidding to me at strangest of times and makes me feel foulest of feelings! Oh, there is a group of them. Now I tried to Google what a group of thoughts is called, it is just thoughts I suppose. Anyway, that is not what I wanted to talk about. Ya so, why does that happen? This thinking of what we don’t want to think? Why is urge for wrong so strong? The worst part is that I can’t share these thoughts. Some of them, the recurring one especially, is so stupid and sad a thought that I don’t want it to even materialize and take a form, even as a sentence shared. It is a sad thought. It has the power to let a tear escape from my eye if I dwell on it for even 5 minutes. So I don’t think of it, I deny giving it any importance. Absolutely deny giving anyone of them the time of day. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a happy person with happy thoughts. But we all have Achilles heel right? Now I don’t know if this thought is something that could ruin me but it does seem like that at the moment. It might be my Achilles heel. But it isn’t. Yep. My antidote is denial. I deny having thought it, I deny it exists! I have been doing just that, for long now. It works, most of the times. I deal with it. My way might be wrong or right, who cares? There’s always someone who is going to find a flaw in a thing you did and someone else who loved that same thing to bits. So you can’t be right to everyone. And you know what I have realized? That I am strong. I mean if I can deal with this shit with such maturity then I am strong right? Sure, there are those other times, when these thoughts come, showing their ugly head and drain away everything nice. I cry, I give in, I fight, I ignore. And most importantly, I survive. While on other days I live, on such bad days I survive. I survive so I can live on the other days. Guess that is what growing up means yeah? Oh well..
I just read something so mind blowing that I can’t contain it. It is overwhelming. You know the feeling so happy that you feel your heart is dancing. That nothing or no one can blotch this feeling. That’s how I felt after reading it. I wish I could share it. But it won’t be right, it won’t mean the same. All I can say is read ‘Atlas Shrugged’. I am halfway through it. You may or may not feel this way, I can’t know for sure. Besides, it’s not just about what I read anyway. It is about how sudden and unexpected it was. I hope everyone feels this way. Maybe not by reading something, but everyone deserves to feel this way. To find this feeling, reach it and enjoy it to the fullest. To feel really and truly happy. Even if for sometime, it is unparallel. I think a part of this feeling comes from the fact that I am the only person behind my happiness (if you wish to get technical then me and Ayn Rand). But really, I made myself happy. No one else is the contributor. This thing I read, it is my discovery. My very own, do you understand it? I chose this book. I read it, it just said something so beautiful that I am in awe. Ever felt like that? Ebullient. Oh, it is just WOW! I have heard so much about self help, about being positive and stuff like that. It has never made any sense to me, it still doesn’t make any sense to me to be honest. Maybe because I don’t see the point of it. So I cannot really preach anything about it and I am not going to. What I can do is tell everyone how amazing it feels. What is ‘it’? Oh how I wish there was a word for it. That moment of rush and exuberance is undefined. Or maybe I am just unaware of what it is called. My eyes sprang open too wide, I had a grin so huge it could have tore my face in two, my heart leapt with joy. Who knew a simple sentence could make me feel this way? Oh! You may as well know about it, but I did not know that it could. That’s partly why it made me so happy. Get it? It was a moment so powerful that I have locked it in my heart and mind alike, to be revisited in my dark hours, when I am too down. I will revisit this sacred memory and maybe remind myself of the happiness I deserve and maybe just maybe feel this feeling again. THANK YOU AYN RAND. MAY GOD BLESS YOUR SOUL.
I know it might seem like all of this is plain and utter gibberish. That’s okay. But as I said I hope everyone feels this way, EVERYONE! And then you will understand, then you will know what I mean and this won’t just be gibberish. It would be your yes ‘THAT’ post. Have you already felt this way? Would you like to share? I would love to know all about it.