Heart with a mind of its own!

Desirous, treacherous, vicious heart. Why did you hope or this would never start?

Caged with tall fences around, still you peeped into that beautiful soul. This is preposterous, I want to cry foul.

Now, this heathen heart wants to abandon me for him? Oh but he won’t accept you, for you, my heart, are too dim.

Unbidden and clueless, if this is how you had to fall. Why did I even guard you at all?

You cry and bleed, I feel the pain. Oh yes! How lovely it is to be this insane.

Squirm all you want my heart, in this unpleasant gloom, then you have to get back in the cage before the impending doom.

Don’t flutter or hope without cause, never again on my sleeve you will pause.

Love, you must, but please do not hope. Consequences of that are ill fated, so nope.

Now we both are in complete and utter despair, oh was it worth it, all that fanfare?

Survive

There is a thought. Sad, bad, mad thought. A thought I don’t want to think, and of course that is what makes it absolutely irrestible to come unbidding to me at strangest of times and makes me feel foulest of feelings! Oh, there is a group of them. Now I tried to Google what a group of thoughts is called, it is just thoughts I suppose. Anyway, that is not what I wanted to talk about. Ya so, why does that happen? This thinking of what we don’t want to think? Why is urge for wrong so strong? The worst part is that I can’t share these thoughts. Some of them, the recurring one especially, is so stupid and sad a thought that I don’t want it to even materialize and take a form, even as a sentence shared. It is a sad thought. It has the power to let a tear escape from my eye if I dwell on it for even 5 minutes. So I don’t think of it, I deny giving it any importance. Absolutely deny giving anyone of them the time of day. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a happy person with happy thoughts. But we all have Achilles heel right? Now I don’t know if this thought is something that could ruin me but it does seem like that at the moment. It might be my Achilles heel. But it isn’t. Yep. My antidote is denial. I deny having thought it, I deny it exists! I have been doing just that, for long now. It works, most of the times. I deal with it. My way might be wrong or right, who cares? There’s always someone who is going to find a flaw in a thing you did and someone else who loved that same thing to bits. So you can’t be right to everyone. And you know what I have realized? That I am strong. I mean if I can deal with this shit with such maturity then I am strong right? Sure, there are those other times, when these thoughts come, showing their ugly head and drain away everything nice. I cry, I give in, I fight, I ignore. And most importantly, I survive. While on other days I live, on such bad days I survive. I survive so I can live on the other days. Guess that is what growing up means yeah? Oh well..

A thing about sharing!

Friend: It is not that easy to share.
Me: I think if you trust that you won’t be judged, it’s pretty easy.
Friend: Yeah. I agree.
Conversation happened and is over. But I am still stuck at it. We all have that one person we can share our stupidest thoughts and even our darkest sufferings with and we know we won’t be judged. If it is so, how come there exists a concept of personal diary? Why do suicide notes reveal more than the person ever did? Why is it that we tell stranger things we haven’t told ourselves? How come we fail to truly voice our opinion, feigning disinterest? Why do we sometimes not share the most important thing with the most important person? Why do we say it is okay, when it never is? Why many things are typed and deleted without sending? Why there exist unsent drafts?
It isn’t like we do not trust people. We do. Well, I do. But I can’t bring myself to tell every single thing to them. Why? I don’t know. Everyone of us has that treasure (thrash 😛 ) full of thoughts we’d never let open. Why? I don’t know.

Mr. Leech

I always feel that I am blessed to be a girl. But some people just want to ruin it for me. Want to make me realize, by every chance they get, that being a girl is not a rosy journey at all. It is due to these people who the debate of girl vs boy ever came into existence. There exist a kind of men, some loser pathetic obnoxious moron men/boys who think they are superior just because they are male. Ew. Dude, firstly that thought makes you the worst person ever.
I am talking about the kind who are so desperate that they can’t resist teasing a girl walking on the footpath. Girl sitting in a ladies compartment visible from their seat is, according to them, something they own and they can look at or comment on them as much as they want. Girls driving scooty are a toy for the kind of people I am talking about. Addictive toy. They never miss playing with them. And yeah some girls ignore them, some remind them of their mothers and sisters. But that seems to be having no effect on them. Sheeaa. Any girl getting married to such a leech, I pity you.
Sometimes ignoring them seems the only option left. Because in these kind of people too there is a sub-kind. There are some who if see the girl retaliate, will stop. While for some the game becomes all the more interesting, like the only motto left in their life is to irritate, tease and humiliate the girl who objected on being teased. How is the girl suppose to know which guy belongs where? Trying to stop them risks having them all the more interested. Some just don’t fear the presence of people around. Apparently a guy doesn’t have to bother that, right? Because obviously everyone will end up saying ‘zarur ladki ne hint di hogi’. Which girl would like a roadside leach to be interested in her? It simply is a win-win situation for boys.
No girl deserves to be treated that way. None at all. The guys who think that teasing, suppressing or dominating a girl makes you macho, go die. It makes you sick. You really deserve to wear bangles. You know why? Because you feel the need to use a girl to prove your manhood.
Respect her, protect her and prove you are a gentleman. She is no toy of yours to play with whenever you wish to. Just because she is tolerating you, doesn’t mean she is scared, no. She doesn’t find you worthy of being corrected. She can very well crush your ego with that sandal of her’s. But she doesn’t have an ego to need an ego massage by crushing your ego. She is dignified, not egoistic like you. Get it?

Is it just me?!

This post is a selfish one. I mean it’s a problem I have had since what seems like forever. And I am using my blog to share it. May be this will help me. 🙂 I am talking about feeling under-confident. I am not the ‘I-will-own-the-world-one-day’ types. I don’t know how many of you feel like I do. I am not confident about anything I say or do. Be it a full-fledged stage performance or a meagre sum in a class among friends. I don’t believe I am right or that I can crack it. Lot of times I have been correct but just because someone finds a flaw in it, I retreat from it and sorta surrender saying ‘yeah I might be wrong’. If asked to opine about something, I do it with firmness. I take a stand in things and believe in it too. Not just that but when situations demand I even fight for what I believe in. But at the same time when it comes to present it to a crowd at large I shiver to the core. I can’t face eyes staring at me, analysing me, judging me. I have done few presentations and performances. And have been told they are good but only I know the amount of strength it requires on my part. Once anyone decides to present something for a crowd, judgements are ought to happen, it’s right and important. In fact the whole point of presenting is to know how it was. I know for sure that I don’t fear criticism. Its also clear that no one is perfect but even after knowing all this I still can’t do it. I am not sure what this is called. This is one of the major reasons that I have never shared my blog on any social site. I think people will regard it probably as waste of time to read such amateur write ups. This feeling makes me realize the value of people reading my blog and I am very grateful for it. Thank you for reading and the feedback, it’s highly appreciated 🙂 🙂

Letter..!!

Isn’t it like the season of letters?? Of course the virtual ones..!! So i thought why not join the trend and took this opportunity to write a letter to the little kid in me.

Dear Kid in me,

I adore you. Not just me but you have few other fans too. But unfortunately you have more haters than lovers. There are a few things you need to get right.

– Firstly stop reacting the way you feel. Learn to pretend. Dont show that you are angry, no way. Matured people get angry only on serious issues and not on something like someone teasing your friend. Nah, that is immature. Your friend can deal with it. Be a diplomat or even better ignore anything such happened. There is no need to be a kid trying to protect and defend something he loves.
– Dont let your face be a mirror to your heart. The feelings you express freely without any fear are often taken as offence. If you don’t like a certain thing someone just bought, don’t make it obvious. Try the subtle hint thingy. You will be in their good books. I have heard its important. *Networking se hi kaam banta hai, Sabse bana ke rakho*
– I know you enjoy music. So you tap your feet or do a little jig with your hands no matter where you are. But that is wrong. You are grown up now. Growing up probably takes away your right to enjoy. Image ka sawaal hai, samjha??
– Matured people have ego. And big ones. If you can’t massage it, at least don’t hurt it. I know you wont mind if someone (genuinely) forgets to inform you something. But no you can’t forget. It hurts the ego of matured people. And they probably thinks its intentional.
– Dont shout or laugh loudly. That is cheap. You will be laughed at. I know you probably don’t care but trust me you should.
– Dont cry. That is taken as a sign of weakness. Even though all it symbolizes is that you are sad or hurt. *Natak* that is how it’s usually described. So control.
– There will be times that you wont understand a certain adult joke. Pretend you know what it meant and fake a laugh. Or be ready to answer *c’mon, don’t lie that you did not get it, you are not that innocent*. Being innocent is a rare thing and probably a crime too. Toh use google but don’t ask living people.
– The word katti is banned. It doesn’t mean the same these days. I know that you use katti to tell the one you care for that they have done something wrong and its time to make up for it. But no. Now if you tell people they are wrong and stop talking, they might just never come back. So be carefull.
– The next piece of advice is confusing to me as well. I’ll give it a try. Umm, try not to be the bubbly and free-spirited self you are with everyone. You would be called desperate. But if you don’t talk or gel around you sure as hell are going to be named ‘arrogant’. So even i am confused what exactly should be done.

I know it’s too much to ask for but that is how you can be famous (among mean people who don’t give a damn about you), lovable (fake love by fake friends), graceful (so what if it’s suffocating) and most importantly MATURED. I have been told that maturity is nothing but learning to act in public. So you need to learn that. My heart aches to say but its better you don’t show up.

Love,
“Matured me”

Lost?!

She was walking. All alone (or so she felt). She just kept moving ahead. It was dark. Darkness so deep, just like moving with closed eyes. That didn’t bother her. She kept on moving, surrounding herself more and more with the blanket of darkness. She couldn’t see anything. Couldn’t hear anyone. She couldn’t sense anything. She just felt one thing. Pain. Immense pain. Pain so cruel, her heart could explode. Her mind was crowded. Crowded with thoughts. Conflicting thoughts. Too many thoughts, all fighting with each other. Each thought fighting to make sense. None making sense to her. She still could not believe what had happened. She had just lived her nightmare. All that she thought she would never let happen to her was exactly what had happened. She had lost control over her life. What went wrong?? She thought. That is all she had been trying to figure. She was tired. Tired of thinking. She had been crying herself to sleep ever since. Every night she cried till the tears dried out. Now She wanted to cry out loud. She wanted to share what she was going through. She knew what will happen. She would be asked to move on. That is what she has been trying to do. Move on. But all she sees is darkness. Sympathy, that is what she would be offered. She did not want that. She hates it. She is not weak. She is a fighter. She will fight this, she thought. But one step ahead reminded her something and she was two steps behind. Broke, that is how she felt. What next, she thought. Lost in her pain she could hear voices now. She heard her name being called. She knew the voice. She answered and left with the voice. Moving ahead all she could see was darkness. Once she was scared of darkness, now darkness is all she has. She laughed at her thought. A cold laugh. She kept moving. All alone (or so she felt).

What do you wish for??

We all have wishes.. Some weird ones, some sweet ones, some stupid, some impossible, some greedy, some needy.. But it was few days back that i realized that not only what i wish for is utterly baseless but also selfish. All my wishes have been so self centered and greedy that i hate myself for being that way. This self realisation was a result of my visit to an oldage home. I realised that just as shown in Bruce Almighty, God sure has many wishes to attend to and He knows what should be given to whom and when. So if your wish aint fulfilled yet, it may be because God helped someone more needy. And well sometimes he makes even the needy ones wait, may be because stupid wishes made by people like me are keeping him busy..
I never felt my wish to get the latest edition of iphone more useless until i got to know that a lady somewhere prays that even if just for a day but she can live without pain in her knees..
When one old lady told me that two of her grand children who are 12yrs and 9yrs of age work so that the family survives i felt it utter nonsense that i complain about the struggling life i have..
I will try and not crib about the food i get because there are people who dont even wish to eat, they have no appetite, no wish to live..
I fight with my mom on the pettiest of issues and there is someone who depends on others to get cash so that she can meet her children..
All the people there wanted was just someone to talk to them, listen to them, show them that they are important and needed, to tell them that everything will be okay.. The smile that we saw and the excitement with which they answered when asked about their favorite daily soaps is unmatched to any feeling.. The joy of giving was never so great.. And what did we give?? Just a little time which i would have wasted sleeping or watching tv.. I dont think there exists a more cruel act than deserting someone who has put the soul in you.. If not for our parents, we would not exist. Ofcourse all the parents i met there loved their children so much that they never thought about securing their future and happily used up all they have for their children who have now left them to get a life filled with lonliness, living on terms of the oldage home unable to do what they wish for.. And here i was thinking that bhagban is just another fictional movie.. Silly me!!
So next time you make a wish, wait. Think about such people and if your wish still seems worthwhile, go ahead.

Baa Dum Dum Dush!!!!!

Happy Diwali everyone:-) 🙂
It’s so wonderful na the way we have so many Gods in our Indian culture and each God is worshiped in its own unique way. Diwali is celebrated in India because the great lord Rama returned home after completing banvas. But do the kids today know about this? I mean all they know is that on Diwali they have to wear new clothes, party and yeah burst the crackers. What about knowing the culture and its importance? Is anyone interested in that at all? Not knowing culture and just enjoying for the sake of it can still be tolerated but bursting crackers and causing so many problems. Sound pollution, noise pollution and the mere fact that those crackers are made in a factory where small kids are made to work is so disturbing that each time someone lights a cracker I feel like stabbing that person with the knife. Huh. Anyway this post is to share two things. Tragedy and hope.
I think I will go with the tragedy first.
This was the incident narrated to me by a professor. He told that the kids in his area got crackers worth rupees fifteen thousand. Imagine. Rupees fifteen thousand to bloody see the fire flames? Err. But that is not that big a tragedy that am talking about. One of the kid was moving back after lighting the cracker on a usually quiet road where there are not many vehicles moving. But as he was moving back he got hit by a two-wheeler. And he is seriously injured. I mean who exactly is at fault? The kid who wanted to enjoy? The driver who was just going his way? Or the parents to recklessly allowed their kids? Whoever at fault, the harm done is just too gross.
Now lets move on to the hope part..
K had come to greet me for Diwali and I had the most lovely conversation with him.
K: Di, Happy Diwali.
Me: A very Happy Diwali. You look handsome K. Lovely outfit.
K: Thankyou Di. Its my own choice. And now am going for dinner with family.
Me: That is nice. And tell me you must have got lots of crackers na?
K: No. I did not.
Me: oh. Why K? Going to get them now?
K: No Di. I am not going to buy it this year.
Me: *shocked* why?
K: Di. You had explained me last year giving many reasons. But I liked one of them the most and thought about that and didn’t buy.
Me: Which one?
K: I should not waste the money just to see the flames. I can see them when others light it. They anyway won’t stop lighting. So why waste my dad’s money.
Me: That is awesome K. Listen to me now, I am very very proud of you baby. Let me tell you that you are also helping little kids when you don’t buy crackers.
K: How is that?
Me: They make children of your age work in factory of crackers. That is not good na. You enjoy and they slog.
K: That is very bad Di. But can I ask something?
Me: ya sure.
K: Those kids earn by working there?
Me: Ya. But why?
K: If I don’t buy crackers then the factory will be closed then how will those kids earn? What will they eat?
Me: *shocked again* K, there must be some way. And tell me when you are studying why do you want them to work and earn? They should study too na?
K: My dad has money, so I study. How will they?
At this moment, K’s mom called him. And he ran away.
Trust me, I thanked God that he went. I mean I had no answer to that question of his. Neither could I tell such a small kid that its their parents that make them work there so that they can live, drink and survive. I couldn’t have burdened my little boy with all that. But seriously what is the solution? How can this endless vicious circle of poverty which is resulting in so many problems? I am here using my laptop to blog about the problem those poor little kids face but what they feel is known only to them. They probably don’t even know what fun is. I don’t think I will be able to drag this depressing thought further. Time to get into action and stop this.
But HOW??!!

Choosing sides..

Even as I start writing on this topic, hundreds of thoughts come rushing down in my mind conflicting with each other! It’s a difficult task as per me….choosing sides!!! It’s so tough to decide which side is right and which is not! Forget that, even when I know what is right and what is wrong I find it difficult to decide which side to pick.. Now if the choice is to go to a movie starring your favorite actor or to attend class I do know what is right but the wrong side is so luring.. This confusion when I know what is right, what when I don’t know what is right or to me both sides are right?? There comes a time when our mind fails to judge what should be done.. Decisions when no matter what side you choose you are at complete loss (choosing a side when your best friends argue) or when the choice is benefiting on both sides but it can’t be decided which side do we want more (spending time with friends or with family).. One of my friend does a thing which I find quite interesting. He tosses the coin to decide.. In both above cases its very hard for us to decide and so letting destiny make the choice is sometimes a very right thing to do. Whether it works or not, I am yet to try it. To me it sounds like asking God for help and I deeply believe He won’t make the wrong choice for us.. But is tossing coin a solution to all the problems? Can all the things be left to destiny? Won’t that be too much (reminds me of the movie serendipity. I still feel the movie exaggerated the whole destiny thing a little too much).. There are also times when we have a choice. Yes when we do have a chosen side in our mind. But we know that making that choice in real will hurt many people. So what do we do? One hypothetical example can be from the movie Hum Aapke Hain Kaun (filmy me, can’t help it). I am talking about Prem and Nisha choosing their duty over love. Can that be done in real? Are the people of this alleged ‘kalyug’ as selfless? I guess not. Choosing a side of a good career opportunity away from your family or to choose being with them and settle down for a lower career option? That’s a tough one. There always will be that opportunity cost you will regret. What does one do in such situations? In most situations it’s a choice between head and heart. And it’s not entirely on us what we choose. The choice will be influenced by our circumstances, expectations, mindset and other such factors. At the end it’s just subjective. But the condition of the person choosing sides is not easy is what I have learnt lately and am going to keep it as a lesson for life. And yeah making a less correct (I wont say bad) choice doesn’t make a person bad! 🙂 🙂 🙂