It is weird how 90% of the time my thoughts are so haphazard and haywire that I never know where or how to start. Then there is an issue of starting with something and straying away from it. It can be very exhausting for the reader, I know. What I want to say today is one such thing which will have me wavering off many times, but I shall make an honest attempt to convey it precisely. Conscience. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you read this word? Do comment and share it. My first reaction is that having a conscience is very draining and demanding. It makes it hard for you to sleep at night, you try to overanalyze things just to make sure there is no other way you could have handled it and to get that assurance that you did the right thing, you have a sinking feeling in your stomach for the most trivial mistake done. Even when you do something right but it hurts someone, you feel bad about it. Is it just me or is that how it works? If I did the right thing, why do I end up feeling like shit sometimes? Don’t tell me right or wrong is subjective. No amount of subjectivity can make a wrong right. So what is it? And how does this work when people we love are involved? When they refuse to see sense and the only option left is to be stringent. God forbid if unknowingly or in a fit or frustration or anger my words hurt anyone, I know I am in for a lot of brooding sleepless nights. Now imagine someone you absolutely love, imagine them blaming you for something very bad and that which you have never done yet have been misunderstood for. Too bad right? It is a nightmare because first we need to make our peace with what has happened and it doesn’t end there because we have to make the other person understand and see the right. Now some would say why bother if we know we are right, because you’d want the other person to clear it out had the situation been reversed and more importantly because you love them. This is the ideal way to deal with it but how many of us do it? We become that stubborn kid who’d rather say ‘I don’t want to do it’ than admitting ‘It is too difficult for me to do’ for the lack of better metaphor. So if it is so problematic, why to have such an active conscience? Life would be a lot easier if we cut ourself a little slack, no? Now in my head I know why it is important, I have been brought up and conditioned that way. But it is one of those times where it is becoming extremely difficult to remember what good comes out of it. So for any of you going through the same, do it because you deserve to feel the way a good and pure hearted person does. And boy, what a feeling that is!
Okay. This is the word I have been chanting lately. It is what is getting me through things. Not sure how far will I get with this but for now I think I am okay. For now, okay is good.
All the hardwork I did for someone else goes into gutter because they think I was obliged. Okay, too naive of me but what will they do the next time around huh? I am rebuked for not hating enough on things around me (CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?). Okay, I’d rather have love in my heart than hatred. ‘All songs you like are so crass!‘ Okay, I think I will choose crass over your ‘expensive’ music taste which is so brain harassing and deranged that my ears might quit on me and go to Himalayas. You see, you aren’t the only one who can judge. I am told that I am never calm and composed (Is that even bad?). Okay, so I am not besotted with the magical powers of inner peace but if that is how you would like to cover your unresponsiveness up, whatever makes you happy. The guy I like doesn’t like me back. Okay. Oh who am I kidding? That’s really not okay. I am not really best at anything. Okay, no one will ask me to do anything which sounds best to me. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t stick to a disciplined routine. Okay, isn’t variety the spice of life?! No? Oh well! Nothing seems to be working out. Okay, everything will get fat and we can all wallow in obesity together. I crack the poorest of jokes. Okay, maybe I can offer to crack open brains with my jokes before surgeries. No? Okay. This is such a okay post. Okay, tell me how to make it better?
I just read something so mind blowing that I can’t contain it. It is overwhelming. You know the feeling so happy that you feel your heart is dancing. That nothing or no one can blotch this feeling. That’s how I felt after reading it. I wish I could share it. But it won’t be right, it won’t mean the same. All I can say is read ‘Atlas Shrugged’. I am halfway through it. You may or may not feel this way, I can’t know for sure. Besides, it’s not just about what I read anyway. It is about how sudden and unexpected it was. I hope everyone feels this way. Maybe not by reading something, but everyone deserves to feel this way. To find this feeling, reach it and enjoy it to the fullest. To feel really and truly happy. Even if for sometime, it is unparallel. I think a part of this feeling comes from the fact that I am the only person behind my happiness (if you wish to get technical then me and Ayn Rand). But really, I made myself happy. No one else is the contributor. This thing I read, it is my discovery. My very own, do you understand it? I chose this book. I read it, it just said something so beautiful that I am in awe. Ever felt like that? Ebullient. Oh, it is just WOW! I have heard so much about self help, about being positive and stuff like that. It has never made any sense to me, it still doesn’t make any sense to me to be honest. Maybe because I don’t see the point of it. So I cannot really preach anything about it and I am not going to. What I can do is tell everyone how amazing it feels. What is ‘it’? Oh how I wish there was a word for it. That moment of rush and exuberance is undefined. Or maybe I am just unaware of what it is called. My eyes sprang open too wide, I had a grin so huge it could have tore my face in two, my heart leapt with joy. Who knew a simple sentence could make me feel this way? Oh! You may as well know about it, but I did not know that it could. That’s partly why it made me so happy. Get it? It was a moment so powerful that I have locked it in my heart and mind alike, to be revisited in my dark hours, when I am too down. I will revisit this sacred memory and maybe remind myself of the happiness I deserve and maybe just maybe feel this feeling again. THANK YOU AYN RAND. MAY GOD BLESS YOUR SOUL.
I know it might seem like all of this is plain and utter gibberish. That’s okay. But as I said I hope everyone feels this way, EVERYONE! And then you will understand, then you will know what I mean and this won’t just be gibberish. It would be your yes ‘THAT’ post. Have you already felt this way? Would you like to share? I would love to know all about it.
Are you proud of me? Proud of how I have turned out to be? Don’t say yes just because you love me. You’d love me anyway, because you are good. But please be honest, am I good? Am I good enough? I don’t usually need validation. Not like this, anyway. But I have been wondering, how is it all turning out? Am I doing it right? I need to make amends if i am not. Or is it too late? Am I a good person? I hope I haven’t become that stupid girl who is too forward? Or that lame girl who is orthodoxically anti social? Maybe that heartless girl who doesn’t feel a thing about love? I have been called each at some point. Am I independent enough? I still haven’t learned to help mom, I am trying. Am I right in staying back late at work? Am I correct when I work too hard even if I am mocked about it? I might not be reaping the benefits equivalent to my hard work, is that alright? Is it okay to be scared of things but still do them not knowing conclusions? Does crying to sleep on bad days make me weak? Does having very few friends mean I am unlikable? What do I do about my trust issues? Oh, I think there are no genuine guys around, that can’t be true right? What am I doing incorrect to be attracting all wrong ones? Is there really a frog who’ll show up? How unrealistic am I to be dreaming about going to NewYork alone? Do you think I can? I have a bad feeling about someone irrelevant, why doesn’t it go away? About that stupid thing, why isn’t Karma working fast? Why don’t I remember my dreams? Why are the parts that I do so weird? No body talks about philosophy these days, its all I think about. What do you have to say about it? I have an insatiable urge to be exploring everything new, is that wrong for a girl? They look at me like it is. I still don’t talk about things that hurt me, when will I be forgiving enough to do that? ‘You are too loud and crass’, what do I tell them back? I am not their go to person these days, is it okay if I still hope and wait?
Also, I have decided not to change yet, hope that’s okay?!
Do you use your phone a lot? I am going to assume all of you said yes. Well, I do! A lot? Maybe. That’s subjective. I don’t use it or feel like using it when I am working. But otherwise, I do. The point here isn’t usage of phone but if it indicates something. What if I use my phone a lot? Does that make me liable to put up with innuendos coming my way? Is that a sufficient indicator for anyone to assume that it is one special person I am texting? We all love assuming, it’s easy and quick. Why ask or analyze, when we can assume!! People assume I am seeing someone, I assumed at the start of this post that you all use phone a lot, KRK assumed that he moving his body awkwardly on beat pe booty was dancing. It’s just too easy to resist. Though even that is not the point. I stray away from the point a lot, sorry! So about this assumption, I have been told I don’t defend when accused about this one. So here it is, my defense. Loud, clear and public enough for all to read. No, I am not texting one particular guy. No, I am not seeing someone. I am not the type of person anyone can easily be with, I am a mess. I thought we had that already established. I have too many flaws. We all do, but maybe mine are slightly more and that makes me an invalid choice. Am I self depreciating? Not at all. I am working on being what I want, if someone likes that he will let me know. Has that happened yet? No. Still too flawed for anyone to genuinely care. Here I am struggling to be a good daughter, forget embracing other commitments. Being single is my choice. Is that choice easy? Hell no. There are so many stupid things I want to do and can’t because sometimes it’s just not possible to do it alone. That’s when I question my choice the most. People cry to sleep for their unrequited love, I do too. For every wish I couldn’t fulfill because there is absence of a certain person in my life. I know about soulmates, I know it can happen. I have read/seen enough fiction to know that. Fact is, it hasn’t. So when the sun comes up, I wake up and realize I was being stupid thinking all that shit and make the choice to be single, again. I question that choice so many times. But I stick to it, because the alternative is still scary and far fetched for me. As to why didn’t I defend it when accused or teased? I thought my choice was clear for all. A simple texting bout with someone isn’t going to change my decision. I put up a strong front, doesn’t mean I am not vulnerable or struggling. So no, I did not defend because it is embarrassing sometimes to tell that you aren’t texting your boyfriend but just discussing a fiction with a friend and most importantly because that just made me question my choice more. It made me make the choice to be single all over again, and I still chose it.
We love talking about missed opportunities, at least I do! All the times that things went wrong and bad. I am so eager to count the stuff I miss out on that the things I get to do remain not spoken about. So I don’t want to talk about the lemons we get but the tequilas that we take them with! Can I first just say the obvious and get done with it? This year is going too damn fast!! If only I knew how to put in a comma somewhere! Where would I put the comma though? Where would you put the comma in your life if you could? Food for thought alert!!!! Uh where was I? Oh yeah too many tequilas in this super speedy year! I thought I’d only ever keep rambling about how I want to try everything, travel everywhere and have experiences and stories to tell and never actually do it but this year I have actually got the chance to do it. I got the opportunities and I grabbed at them with both my hands. There are so many things from my ever increasing bucket list that I got to tick off. The feeling to actually do something you have always wished with all your heart can’t be explained. It truly is just you grinning and your heart feeling that epic happiness. It made up for all the times I cried, times when I was wronged, rejected and all the times I was written off as a girl who merely blabbered. And it’s not just me, people all around me are doing things that seemed far fetched when they started. My best friend is going to get married to the guy her family was against with their blessings. Now that is one hell of a yummy tequila right?! The other friend who thought there is never anything good that could happen to her is running her firm fabulously and having a beautiful experience while at it (I hope she knows what I mean)! We all have our own versions of lemons, I didn’t even know there are so many types of lemons to start with. Or maybe there aren’t, they all taste the same. They taste of grief. It’s great when a friend who was wasting her degree as she wasn’t allowed to work is now literally backbone of a big shot firm and has a guy who loves her to depth. Now there is one more person who is probably at the lemon stage now and she never complains. I hope she reads this and knows that the tequila she wants for the coming year will surely happen and I sincerely hope I have it with you! Did we all do something out of the ordinary? No, we are simply trying to do what we want. And at the end, it is as simple as that.
In a perfect world, I would not be home right now, sick and sad, but on my way to where I think I belong!
I would be clicking airport selfies, radiating excitement, watching new faces, grinning like a fool.
I would have been nervous yet bouncy for the trip of my dreams, even the thought makes me drool.
I would have captured each moment, imprinted it in my head and heart, gathered stories for when I meet my friends.
I should’ve been so happy, it wouldn’t seem true, brimming with joy that never ends!
Instead I am home, thinking of all the stuff that went haywire, wondering if and where I went wrong?
Why am I here and not there? I have to be strong!
When will this make sense? Would it ever make sense?
I don’t think so.
Believe me, I am not disheartened.
I still dream, still wish and hope and expect to go.
Yet, this hurts, hurts too much! It pains to the extent that makes me doubt what I deserve.
It’s not new, this hit, just harder than before. And it changes me a little, everytime.
For good or bad? I do not know! I have to be fine!
In the perfect world, I would be out and mad, not home, alone and definitely not sad!
But the world is not perfect and that was a dream, the sun has come up and the reality has set in.
This is the truth and I have met it so many times yet my heart dreams, I still dream, every single time!
I was thinking about the numerous thoughts that zigzag in my head at one point and they are really so many that I also think about why am I thinking of so many things together or why am I even thinking about a couple of them at all because they are so futile that they can certainly be put to oblivion and never be thought of as that is exactly what they deserve and not to mention that this will leave space for thoughts that do matter like the petition for dogs that are being killed in China for some sick ritual as if we aren’t already doomed to hell because of so many other things we have done and so many other things that should be done but we don’t do which makes me think of all the things I am yet to do and I certainly can’t go to hell before I have been to NYC or before my BFF gets married or before watching ‘the secret life of pets’ which is releasing so late that it hurts and if the movie is coming out so late, the trailer shouldn’t be out this early as I can’t stop thinking about it and yet another thought is what I can’t afford just like I couldn’t afford losing my FSOG bracelet yet lost it and it still stings even after I have the exact same new one now as it was more about keeping my favorite things safe than having a new one and to be honest I do think that if I wouldn’t have found the new one I would have definitely slipped into depression but I have the bestest friend who didn’t let that happen and would never let that happen as long as it’s in her hands and that is why we all must have real, true and best friends as they won’t judge you but just be there even while you are being crazy and weird infact specially when you are being crazy and weird which is why it hit home when Sam said to Charlie, ‘C’mon, let’s go be psychos together’ and it’s thought like these that make thinking worthwhile!
We meet people as we cruise through our busy lives doing busy things like busy people in a busy world. We touch so many lives, our life touched by many more! You don’t know where, why, how or with whom your paths intersect, until they actually do! Intersections that create moments. Moments that are futile and forgettable, moments that are epic and life defining. Life is, after all, a bunch of nows! At such intersects we end up meeting some people that make it to your story. You know like your grand life story? A story that is a collection of small stories with people you meet, who don’t just touch your life but become a part of it! People happen to us all the time! Lovely, nice, funny, bad, tragic, boring, nose-digging, snoring, pompous, rude and awesome people! Some abandon you, some hurt you, some don’t love you, some don’t get you and we fight and hurt each other, all making a different story! Some stories are so tragic that you wonder why you really started them, some so damn funny that you don’t ever want them to end. Endless stories! Stories that shape up who you are, change you with time, sharpen you and calm you. They make you, you! I love my stories and my people. What I don’t like are the unfinished stories, no one does. But then it leaves so much to imagination! I can think of so many possibilities and even though I could not get my story, I get and own all these ideas! Ideas that might just inspire me to have the greatest story ever, because it is just unfinished and not yet over! So no, I am not really letting you go even as I see you go! I love the idea of you and the idea of a story with you! So, until we intersect again?!
I am a sincere person. I can’t help it. I love my job. I overwork without anyone asking me to because I actually believe it’s my duty to complete the task at hand. I absolutely detest making mistakes. It upsets me, a lot (maybe slightly more than what must be normal standard upset, if there is one)! I feel guilty for smallest of bloopers. Bloopers precede my long face day. I think I am weird, or maybe just a lucky someone who happens to love what she does?! This I think, or rather I know, isn’t the case with everyone. I see people openly hating their job, while they are at it. Doing the work casually, as casually as I tick the ‘I accept the terms and conditions box’. They don’t regret their mistake, they don’t try to think how to avoid it going forward. Maybe I am this overreacting, neurotically hyper, psycho with a conscience the size of an elephant or whatever but, HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT A MISTAKE? Sometimes I crave such casual-I don’t give a damn-it is just another job attitude. Then just when I try to apply it, there’s a part of me that says it’s wrong and I wouldn’t want anyone doing the job I assign to them this way (I know what you are thinking, I too think I’d be a terrible boss) and I go back to being sincere! People look at me and I think I understand that look, it says ‘dude, she’s weird’! To have someone look at you that way for being sincere is not a great feeling, those are the moments where the need to be casual is at it’s peek! I wonder if I am suffering from a split personality disorder where this one part is too dominating, suppressing this version 2.0 of me. Now I am just being dramatic about it.
I have completed this post and re read it, I think I could have summed it up in one single line. I am a nerd.
PS: Wondering about the title? You know how every word brings a picture in your head? Like apple and you picture apple. Blimey brought a picture of this big round yellow smiley face who has it’s eyebrows raised, eyes wide, nose flat and mouth contorted, exactly how I feel when I think about people thinking I am weird!!